Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Fight For Control I'm So Glad I Lost

My baby girl turns three years old in two weeks. Just one month before she was born I was being treated for clinical depression. In those dark days... all I felt was pain. I couldn't rise up out of my own mire. I wasted, I lost, I didn't even try. My mind was stuck. Stuck on words, stuck on actions, stuck on what I believed could be different. I was wrapped up in a coccoon of my own sinfulness.

My husband prayed.

God carried us.

During the unmedicated birth, I couldn't stay awake through the contractions. I was desperately depleted. It was only two hours of hard pain, but it felt like an eternity. I couldn't get a grip. I couldn't end it. I had no control.... I had no control..... I had no control.

And that is when my battle with God ended.

This was His plan.

I had indentured myself to the words and actions of stupid people.

God was merely delivering a gift.

My I can't do this became I can do all things through Christ, I can do all things through Christ, I can do all things through Christ..... And I prayed it with all of my heart.

I remember her lifting Ruby up to lay on my chest. All curled up into little ball, as if to say, Put me back! Such a precious bundle. I was overcome.

How could I have.....?

My midwife wrapped her arms around me and said, No matter how you felt, no matter what you said, this is the beginning.

He knew His gift was good.

Just the other day, while we driving around town at break-neck speed, Ruby kicked the back of my seat and said, I so happy, Mama! You happy too?

I. So. Happy. Too.

Oh, give thanks to the God of heaven!
For His mercy endures forever.
Psalm 136:26


  1. So, so beautiful!

    Have been to that dark place, myself, a few too many times. How patient our God is - and how thankful I am for His mercy and mercies!

    1. Thank you, Kari. I am grateful that we are His workmanship. Obviously, I'm still very much a work in progress.


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  3. Happy Almost Birthday, Miss Ruby! You were aptly named. You and your momma are treasures of the truest sort.

  4. How beautiful! Have aways loved the name Ruby!

    1. This little princess is true to her name!! She's a gem.

  5. Wow. Just wow. I think I am going to be chewing on this today: "I had indentured myself to the words and actions of stupid people."

  6. Ashley, when I think back to three years ago, I can not blame a church or people for my pain. I have to tell myself the truth. This post was a monument to that.... I hope to remember!