Saturday, August 21, 2010

Security Breech

I am a security junkie. I need it, I search for it, I cry out for more and more security. I realize the root cause for my addiction. Having a terminally ill father, who teetered on the cliff of death for years, left a scar. My daddy was my giant, my defender, my hero. Losing him was completely devastating. Since then I have sought refuge in others who were bigger and stronger than myself. It was no coincidence that during high school my closest friends had "whole" families. I really made an effort to camouflage myself within their households, hoping they might not notice there was an extra kid around. Once I hit college I had convinced myself that marriage, and a family of my own, was the only way I could feel safe and secure.

These last thirteen years of marriage haven't been without trial, but Wayne has always taken care of me. I have felt so safe that I almost forgot that I have "security issues", that is, until July 17, 2010. Wayne always comes home, but that day he didn't. Wayne is always strong, but that day he wasn't. It was as if a switch went off inside of me. "I'm going to be left all alone, again."

It sounds ridiculous. I've never been "all alone" and Wayne, well he's remarkable! But I haven't been able to shake this fear, it goes too deep. I've been holding my breath, anxious to get his recovery behind us and have our life back to normal. I want to march on, I don't want to think about "what if"..... I'd be happy to pretend that this stroke never happened. This a mere breech in security, let's patch it up and move on. But our life together isn't just about me, and tonight I'm coming face to face with my INSECURITIES. I vowed for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health... I love Wayne more today then I did when I was twenty. I like him more, I need him more, I want to be with him.....We really are ONE.

"Lord, living scared stinks. You know that I am weak, so very, very weak! At this moment I am putting my trust in YOU. You are all the security that I need. Thank you for giving me my marvelous mate. Thank you, dear Father, for sparing his life. I am grateful! Amen."

When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. Psalm 56: 3-4


  1. Reagan, I think we can all use your message as a mirror into our own fears. I am glad that you can turn to the Father for the protection that you need. He never intended us to feel fear or feel alone, yet He knows that as humans, we will. His word is full of messages for us to remind us that we are never, never alone and that we serve a God who is bigger than fear.

    I know we are sisters from the soul on out. Fear, *cough* impatience *cough*, and a need to be protected in a world that doesn't promise that. Thank you for reminding me and anyone who reads this to run to the Lord, cling to Him, and to fear not because He is with us. (My favorite verse--Isaiah 41:10) Love you!

  2. Thanks for sharing Regan. You put into words what a lot of us moms & wives think & feel. So glad the Lord gave you each other. I've been reading the "Insecurity" book by Beth Moore and it talks about those issues you mentioned. It is so true God wants us to put our security, trust, significance, & self worth in Him. It is a daily struggle but thank goodness He is faithful. Love you guys & are praying for you.

  3. I love the new blog layout. It's very you. Somehow being around you (even via blog) takes me back to high school. So of course I am reminded, To everything there is a season.

  4. "Living scared stinks..." Amen, sister. Praying for you and your family...

    I love how the Lord can knit together hearts of people who have never met face-to-face.

  5. Some of my best memories of Highschool involve you! Like the water fight and getting snowed in. =) I am so glad that you were part of our family. Your blog is awesome and I can relate to todays post. What an awesome strong woman of God you are.