Security Breech

I am a security junkie. I need it, I search for it, I cry out for more and more security. I realize the root cause for my addiction. Having a terminally ill father, who teetered on the cliff of death for years, left a scar. My daddy was my giant, my defender, my hero. Losing him was completely devastating. Since then I have sought refuge in others who were bigger and stronger than myself. It was no coincidence that during high school my closest friends had "whole" families. I really made an effort to camouflage myself within their households, hoping they might not notice there was an extra kid around. Once I hit college I had convinced myself that marriage, and a family of my own, was the only way I could feel safe and secure.

These last thirteen years of marriage haven't been without trial, but Wayne has always taken care of me. I have felt so safe that I almost forgot that I have "security issues", that is, until July 17, 2010. Wayne always comes home, but that day he didn't. Wayne is always strong, but that day he wasn't. It was as if a switch went off inside of me. "I'm going to be left all alone, again."

It sounds ridiculous. I've never been "all alone" and Wayne, well he's remarkable! But I haven't been able to shake this fear, it goes too deep. I've been holding my breath, anxious to get his recovery behind us and have our life back to normal. I want to march on, I don't want to think about "what if"..... I'd be happy to pretend that this stroke never happened. This a mere breech in security, let's patch it up and move on. But our life together isn't just about me, and tonight I'm coming face to face with my INSECURITIES. I vowed for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health... I love Wayne more today then I did when I was twenty. I like him more, I need him more, I want to be with him.....We really are ONE.

"Lord, living scared stinks. You know that I am weak, so very, very weak! At this moment I am putting my trust in YOU. You are all the security that I need. Thank you for giving me my marvelous mate. Thank you, dear Father, for sparing his life. I am grateful! Amen."

When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. Psalm 56: 3-4

The Storm Is Over

In the fall of 2003, the eye of Hurricane Isabelle passed over the little town of Surry, Virginia. I remember that the wind sounded like a freight train as our young family huddled in the hallway. By morning the storm was gone and so was our electricity and water. The parsonage had escaped any real damage, our van had a few more dings but we were safe and sound.

Some of our dear friends hadn't faired so well. Their home had been destroyed. When we arrived at their "house", Bill was crawling out of a broken kitchen window. The gas stove stilled worked and he had made a fresh pot of coffee. We drank coffee in the rubble. Bill and JoAnn Greene never lost their sparkle.

My Wayne didn't lose his sparkle either. Last weekend the nurses had to shut the ICU down due to visitors. The man could barely talk yet he was entertaining a crowd. There is powerful strength in friendship. The storm has passed, the damage is done and the rebuilding is already in full swing. We are not in this recovery alone.

We are grateful. God is good.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpwered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Letting Go....

I am a sentimental fool. A few weeks after Dad died I came across the plastic bag from the hospital filled with his personal belongings. Inside I found his worn out brown corduroy jacket, his watch and his wallet. Of all the things he left behind, these I treasured most. He wore them, he touched them, he used them everyday. I didn't want to let my daddy go.... Keeping these tokens meant that I never would. In fact, there was half a pack of Winston's in the breast pocket. I used to take the cigarettes out and smell them. It was comforting.

Comforting and painful. I hung that jacket in my dorm closet throughout college. The watch and the wallet had a special place on top of my dresser. I refused to forget. I prided myself on never letting a day go by that I didn't think about him. And if I did forget, I punished myself with awful guilt. I was a prisoner to memories. I didn't realize that I was robbing myself.

The jacket was packed in a box during one of our moves and I have never been able to find it. His watch has an honored place in my jewelry box. His wallet is tucked away in the trunk where I keep old love letters and such.....

It has taken me years to understand that my dad's memory is much bigger than the stuff he carried around. I hear him in my Uncle Steve's laugh, I see him in my adolescent nephew, I feel him when my temper gets the best of me. He's in my life as much today as he was eighteen years ago. I just had to let go to find him again. A lesson slowly learned..... I can let go, I can let go.....

I came across the wallet awhile back. I was hunting for some pictures. I didn't lament or sob. I just picked it up and gave it a little kiss. Because I miss that guy!

Watershed

Today is my thirty-third birthday. Two of my darlings are throwing up this morning and all five have a serious case of the runs. Diarrhea is no respecter of birthdays. I've called in to work for this evening. Why plague the Tri-Cities? I feel the need to flee....but I can't, I am the mama.

I have just finished reading Thin Places, by Mary DeMuth, an incredible book! I know that I will carry her words in my heart for a very long time. Not only is she a wonderful writer, she is honest and willing to cut the crap (I apologize, but the word seems so fitting today). Throughout my life I have been guilty of "being guilty", shackled to my failures and shame. I've always compared myself to a better girl, a good student, an organized wife, a disciplined mother, a responsible steward, a talented pastor's wife....etc. Could I stand for improvement? The question is laughable. Yet, I was reminded this week that HE uses me despite myself.....and HE even likes me!

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God. 1 Corinthians 1:26- 29

Survival has been challenging lately. It seems that the harder we work the deeper we fall. A dear friend suggested the possibility that we are not in God's will. I don't want to accept that we aren't.... but I know the truth. Mary wrote in Thin Places, that Hagar's (Sarah's maidservent) name meant "flight". She says, " How many times have I flown from life's mess, only to weep in the desert? How many times have I wondered whether God sees?" Reading this book brought about many watershed/ tear shed moments. I know that we have fled from a painful situation only to feel abandoned. I long to be centered again.

I am not mighty, I'm far from noble, but I'm just right when it comes to being foolish. He does see me....and He even likes me!

Confessions of a Christian School Girl

I'm not quite certain that I have the guts to publish what I really want to say. Now that I've arrived solidly in my thirties....why bother lingering in my adolescent past? Because, part of those years still grieve me. We live less then two hours from my "hometown", yet I rarely go back. It seems that the closer I get to "home" a noose tightens around my neck. Memories of myself lost in loneliness and sin engulf me...I'm not that girl anymore.

I am grateful for the Christian education that I received. Christian school was instrumental in giving me a solid belief system. I had some wonderful teachers who truly poured their lives into mine. I still hold tight to friendships that bloomed back then. I AM GRATEFUL!

On the flip side, the worst smut I ever heard was probably at the lunch table. Bible class and chapel services instilled in us that the wages of sin is death. I understood sin. I knew I was a sinner. Most importantly, I knew that I was SAVED. But I still laughed at the dirty jokes.... Thus began my double life.

At the end of ninth grade I was head over heels. Over the next four years I was involved in dating relationship that constantly pushed the limits. I foolishly believed that lust, obsession and possession were love. We'd cross "the line" and I'd be eaten up with guilt...I'd repent and repeat....repent and repeat. It was a miserable time for me. Being caught was always a huge fear, not to mention the burden of being a complete fake. I received the Christian Leadership Award for two years running.

Of all the teachers and youth workers who observed me everyday only two people confronted my sin. A substitute teacher and my best friend's mother. At nineteen I was ready to take my own life. I had to end this horrible cycle. In late December of 1996, I surrendered this battle to the Lord and I left my "hometown" for good. I have no regrets!

Why now? What for? Well, have things really changed that much? Our young Christian school kids confronted about their promiscuity? Are they involved in Bible studies that teach the beauty of abstinence and the truth about pornography? What about girls like me? Neck deep in sin and afraid to let anyone know the truth? I'm blowing the whistle here! Call it what it is....reach in and get dirty....Throw in the life preserver of grace and mercy! There is a girl like me that is dying for help!

Weary Bones

In my mind I'm still twenty and thin...The truth is, I was only thin when I was twenty! "Thin" didn't last long....But I enjoyed it while it lasted! Recently, I've felt a little more aged and weary. Make-up isn't as optional as it used to be and I may be forced to buy stock in under eye concealer and Red Bull. Where, oh where has my youth gone?

I'm on the pursuit of a little more zip and a dash of endurance. I don't want to accept this washed-up feeling. I realize I'm the chubby woman in the race. Next to last, huffing, puffing and stumbling. Will I make it to the finish line? My body says, "Girl, give it up!" But my heart is telling me that the pain is worth it! My goals aren't the least bit athletic other than they appear to be as unreachable as me finishing a marathon!

So, here I go! Praying that I'll be able to drop some extra baggage on this journey and pick up some umph! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Philippians 4:13

What a Gem!

Ruby Carmichael Lowe has learned to climb up on the couch, the vacuum cleaner, the bar stools and into the bath tub! My wee little girl is growing by leaps and bounds! Just a little over two years ago she was a tiny secret. Unplanned and certainly unexpected, this precious baby has changed her mama's life....for good!

For the nine months preceding her birth I was at war, against myself. "Some" people thought I had my hands full with three children, they shook their heads when we had four and at the announcement of #5, the gloves were off. I should have ignored the comments, I shouldn't have imagined the gossip spreading down the pews, I should have prayed for the ones who looked at my growing belly with scorn....but I didn't. I fell, and I fell so hard.

God is good, so, so good! He saw my weakness and He sent reinforcements! I married the most wonderful man twelve years ago! Way back then, Wayne stood out in the crowd. He was different then the other college guys. He was a little bit older, his accent was a little bit stronger and he was the most genuine person I had ever met! Let me tell you, he has not disappointed me! Wayne is my best friend and my hero. He didn't throw up his hands in despair when I crumbled. He prayed for me, silently, out loud and faithfully.

So, as I watch Ruby's toddler antics, I am overcome! She is the answer to fervent prayer! Her name suits her well, she is our precious little gem! I have been richly rewarded despite my numerous failures. When I see my little girl crinkle up her nose and smile at me, I'm reminded how good my Saviour is!



"I Know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. "I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for years to come." Jeremiah 29:11

Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement

Well, you already know that I have issues. On my list of "Issues", fear of failure is #1. I work hard at appearing to have it all together and I become a freaking basket-case if I sense that the truth might ooze out. I'm a mess! Just scroll down a few post and you'll see the picture of my laundry room from last year....It hasn't improved and neither have I!

There are moments when I feel like God must have the wrong girl. ME? Why would He want to use me? He knows that I hide dishes in the stove and towels in the bathtub. He knows that I yelled at the kids all the way to church last Sunday. He knows the countless times I've disappointed a friend. He's heard my tongue wagging long after it should have shut up. He sees my selfishness. I can not hide who I really am from the Lord. He knows me.

James 2:13 says that "Mercy triumphs over judgment." Mercy, mercy, mercy! I have had mercy showered all over me! I am overwhelmed by grace! It is my prayer that I will extend His mercy to others. It is my prayer that I will love my neighbor as myself. I am not an accident.....I am proof that we serve a MERCIFUL SAVIOR!

Stuck In the Mud

Many moons ago, a friend and I found ourselves, or rather her mother's prized caravan, stuck in the mud. We had missed a turn, and instead of backing out of the next drive way, my dear friend attempted a U-turn in the middle of a cow pasture.....The more gas she gave, the deeper we sunk into the mire and manure. At one point, I got out and gave the back end a good shove. Slinging mud and sarcastic commits didn't help the situation....We were in doo-doo.

She did what any responsible teenager would do, she called her dad. This was back in the day when cellular phones were larger than your head. I can still hear his voice on the line...We were in DEEP doo-doo (literally!)

Over the years, I've felt the same dread. The sense that, yet again, I'm in deep doo-doo. I frantically thrash and fight to free myself, only to make the situation worse. My only salvation comes when I surrender and let God lift me out. Lately, I've been thinking that maybe I'm not nearly as "stuck" as I feel. Maybe, silly girl, I'm right were He put me! Being "stuck" is a good thing when you have roots....and even manure has it's purpose. I'm flourishing!