I'm not quite certain that I have the guts to publish what I really want to say. Now that I've arrived solidly in my thirties....why bother lingering in my adolescent past? Because, part of those years still grieve me. We live less then two hours from my "hometown", yet I rarely go back. It seems that the closer I get to "home" a noose tightens around my neck. Memories of myself lost in loneliness and sin engulf me...I'm not that girl anymore.
I am grateful for the Christian education that I received. Christian school was instrumental in giving me a solid belief system. I had some wonderful teachers who truly poured their lives into mine. I still hold tight to friendships that bloomed back then. I AM GRATEFUL!
On the flip side, the worst smut I ever heard was probably at the lunch table. Bible class and chapel services instilled in us that the wages of sin is death. I understood sin. I knew I was a sinner. Most importantly, I knew that I was SAVED. But I still laughed at the dirty jokes.... Thus began my double life.
At the end of ninth grade I was head over heels. Over the next four years I was involved in dating relationship that constantly pushed the limits. I foolishly believed that lust, obsession and possession were love. We'd cross "the line" and I'd be eaten up with guilt...I'd repent and repeat....repent and repeat. It was a miserable time for me. Being caught was always a huge fear, not to mention the burden of being a complete fake. I received the Christian Leadership Award for two years running.
Of all the teachers and youth workers who observed me everyday only two people confronted my sin. A substitute teacher and my best friend's mother. At nineteen I was ready to take my own life. I had to end this horrible cycle. In late December of 1996, I surrendered this battle to the Lord and I left my "hometown" for good. I have no regrets!
Why now? What for? Well, have things really changed that much? Our young Christian school kids confronted about their promiscuity? Are they involved in Bible studies that teach the beauty of abstinence and the truth about pornography? What about girls like me? Neck deep in sin and afraid to let anyone know the truth? I'm blowing the whistle here! Call it what it is....reach in and get dirty....Throw in the life preserver of grace and mercy! There is a girl like me that is dying for help!
I so relate to this...
ReplyDeleteAlcohol was my vice, but it led to the same thing. I knew I was doing wrong, but I was excited about my party-girl lifestyle. No one told me to leave the path of destruction or told me that someone evil would steal that precious thing if I continued drinking. At fifteen broken and used with a pristine church girl persona, no one suspected my life was in shambles. I needed someone to see it and call me on it. Instead, I got into an abusive relationship led to more shame and despair.
ReplyDeleteThen by the grace of God, my future husband came into my life. I call him my kinsman redeemer. Despite my past he redeemed me and took me from a place of despair and lifted me up. He did then and still does treat me like a lady, like I am worth something. He was my life preserver of grace and mercy--a true gift from God. This is what I want for my girls. I want them to know their value before they start dating so that they will know an abusive relationship before it can start. I want them to know the consequences of sin before the fall head-first into it. I also want to be the kind of parent who stops the cycle of denial.
Isn't it ironic that sometimes grace is so hard to extend and yet hardest of all to ourselves. The chains are broken, the bonds are set free. You've been given a story, use it and forgive youself. He has. Love you!
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