Friday, February 18, 2011

Reality Check

My boy's in a battle, a battle within himself. It has raged for years. I've always blamed myself because I know that I could be a better mama. As his body has grown so have his fears, to the point where he's nearly paralyzed by the unknown. And here we are, Wayne and I, hanging on for all our might, five kids to raise, work to be done, bills to pay (or not to pay) and this brilliant star that fades a little more everyday. In the heat of battle (temper tantrums), I wish for relief.....just a minute of peace....just one minute of peace. I forget in those moments just how much I love this precious boy.

These past few days have left me feeling beaten and battered. I'm guilty of being guilty. Last night as I sobbed in desperation, Wayne showed me a picture of "the big kids"  playing in the bath tub when they were babies. Our dreams for them back then were limitless...we saw greatness in everything they did. Where did we veer off course? When did that cute chubby face get clouded by worry? Have I shackled my child with my own shortcomings?

This is my life at the moment. Praying that tomorrow isn't another white knuckle day.


  1. I'm sorry it's been such rough going. Praying for you and whoever is struggling right there along with you. Peace, my friend, sweet peace.

  2. You are not alone Reagan. Being in a season of having younger & older children at the same time can be both a burden and blessing. We are walking through the one season of parenthood that no one really talks much about. Everyone is quick to share their potty training woes or how to deal with chore & schoolwork battles but sharing personal trials about younger children is just not the same as sharing them when they are older ... and so then it does feel very lonely and overwhelming.

    I will lift you in prayer as I ask the Lord to shower me with peace while I wait on his provision. Can I share with you something that another dear sister (with teens) sent me the other day? It was such a sweet blessing (one part she took from a blog and the bottom was just encouragement from her) ...

    "We never know if anything we say reaches the heart of our children but I believe the repetition of the same biblical truths will at some point take hold. It is my hope that over time, when they are about to say or do something wrong, the biblical truth they learned will come to their minds and help them to stop. My job is to remain faithful to “teach these things diligently to your children” and to rely on the Spirit to do the rest of the work."

    My job is to remain faithful to “teach these things diligently to your children” and to rely on the Spirit to do the rest of the work.

    I think the relying is the hard part. Focusing on the unseen. Remain faithful my friend, love her, take her to Jesus and rely on the Spirit to do the rest. Love you!